(Originally published at "A Year of Service" 11/9/16)
It has been about a year and a half since I started this blog. I initially called the blog "A Year of Service" and used it as a place to explore how the theme of service has been unfolding around me. At the time, I had just recognized service to others as an organizing concept that was permeating my entire life - both professional and personal. That realization came as a big aha moment for me and I felt the need to live with it and examine it thoroughly. The learning that has followed has been incredibly dynamic. I feel like these past months have been unique in my life, probably the longest period of inspiration and change I have ever experienced. And while dynamic, this time of change has also been both progressive and orderly because I approached it with the intention to learn and think reflexively, actively seeking connections, looking into emerging realizations, wrestling with those things that made me uncomfortable, and moving myself ahead.
Looking intently at my life as service has required me to be more quiet in the presence of others, to listen for their needs and to compare their needs and my responses to keep track of how I'm serving. Often, my own needs intrude on this process. Sometimes I'm in the presence of someone I fear will betray me because of things they may believe. Who knows what motivations go unspoken? Am I really safe here? My determination in this process means I have learned to sit patiently with my own needs when they come up. Instead of distancing myself from potential danger, I sit still. I keep listening. My fear is inner pain so I sit with that pain for a bit and go back to doing the work at hand. This act of patience and centering has become almost a reflex and it seems like a kind of magic. I say magic because I sense the practice is directly tied to enormous changes in my life but the connections remain below the surface, just out of sight.
What are these changes? I've found a way to navigate around the beliefs and expectations of people of different faiths - at work, in community settings, and in my own family. These are often people who I would have avoided a few years ago because of the threat they could pose to me - Catholics, Pentecostals, Baptists, members of the Disciples of Christ church in my neighborhood. By navigate, I don't mean getting along. I mean interacting deeply with them while paying close attention to my own vulnerabilities. Because I can talk with them and work with them, I'm able to engage with them on a deeper level about their own interior lives. And somehow, I've felt safe enough to begin adapting those parts of their experiences that seem reasonable to me. I'm taking their wisdom and using it as building blocks to rebuild my own inner temple. I'm reclaiming the life giving parts of my religious heritage. And last month, after two years of visiting, dialogue, and engagement, I joined the neighborhood church - not as a repudiation of my past, but as a revealing of the the next steps of my journey. Finally, the joy all this brings me has convinced me that my story, although still in progress, may be useful for others. There are a lot of queer people like me in the world, damaged by exile, but still seeking unity.
What a time of change! Momentous changes! The biggest change of all though, has been the healing. There is a myth in our culture that we must be tough, keep a stiff upper lip. Focusing on our pain makes us weaker. This hasn't been true for me. Opening myself to my pain and to the pain of others has strengthened me, enabled me to approach others fearlessly. It is all these others who have held the tidbits of information and inspiration that I am touching. They have extended welcomes to me, invitations, trusting me as I trusted them, but often trusting me first. I'm under no illusions about my old wounds. They are permanent and healing will always continue as a process. But the healing that has come to me has already been abundant. Some days I just cry over it.
So where am I going with all of this? Service as a big part of my core identity seems to be well established. I'm comfortable with that. Now, as a result of these explorations, I have found a new footing in life and the question arises - how shall I proceed? It is time to develop new interior goals and to create strategies for living those out in the world. My most pressing need right now is a coherent personal world view that unites all the different ways my consciousness exists in experience. I have a wealth of resources at my disposal and I feel ready to continue clawing my spiritual birthright back from those who tried to take it from me.
Several times during the past summer I attempted to write posts about my atheism, to explain it, and to situate it within my ongoing development. I found this difficult because it did not fit comfortably into the themes of service I was considering. It fits here though, so I anticipate addressing this soon, and more.
Looking intently at my life as service has required me to be more quiet in the presence of others, to listen for their needs and to compare their needs and my responses to keep track of how I'm serving. Often, my own needs intrude on this process. Sometimes I'm in the presence of someone I fear will betray me because of things they may believe. Who knows what motivations go unspoken? Am I really safe here? My determination in this process means I have learned to sit patiently with my own needs when they come up. Instead of distancing myself from potential danger, I sit still. I keep listening. My fear is inner pain so I sit with that pain for a bit and go back to doing the work at hand. This act of patience and centering has become almost a reflex and it seems like a kind of magic. I say magic because I sense the practice is directly tied to enormous changes in my life but the connections remain below the surface, just out of sight.
What are these changes? I've found a way to navigate around the beliefs and expectations of people of different faiths - at work, in community settings, and in my own family. These are often people who I would have avoided a few years ago because of the threat they could pose to me - Catholics, Pentecostals, Baptists, members of the Disciples of Christ church in my neighborhood. By navigate, I don't mean getting along. I mean interacting deeply with them while paying close attention to my own vulnerabilities. Because I can talk with them and work with them, I'm able to engage with them on a deeper level about their own interior lives. And somehow, I've felt safe enough to begin adapting those parts of their experiences that seem reasonable to me. I'm taking their wisdom and using it as building blocks to rebuild my own inner temple. I'm reclaiming the life giving parts of my religious heritage. And last month, after two years of visiting, dialogue, and engagement, I joined the neighborhood church - not as a repudiation of my past, but as a revealing of the the next steps of my journey. Finally, the joy all this brings me has convinced me that my story, although still in progress, may be useful for others. There are a lot of queer people like me in the world, damaged by exile, but still seeking unity.
What a time of change! Momentous changes! The biggest change of all though, has been the healing. There is a myth in our culture that we must be tough, keep a stiff upper lip. Focusing on our pain makes us weaker. This hasn't been true for me. Opening myself to my pain and to the pain of others has strengthened me, enabled me to approach others fearlessly. It is all these others who have held the tidbits of information and inspiration that I am touching. They have extended welcomes to me, invitations, trusting me as I trusted them, but often trusting me first. I'm under no illusions about my old wounds. They are permanent and healing will always continue as a process. But the healing that has come to me has already been abundant. Some days I just cry over it.
So where am I going with all of this? Service as a big part of my core identity seems to be well established. I'm comfortable with that. Now, as a result of these explorations, I have found a new footing in life and the question arises - how shall I proceed? It is time to develop new interior goals and to create strategies for living those out in the world. My most pressing need right now is a coherent personal world view that unites all the different ways my consciousness exists in experience. I have a wealth of resources at my disposal and I feel ready to continue clawing my spiritual birthright back from those who tried to take it from me.
Several times during the past summer I attempted to write posts about my atheism, to explain it, and to situate it within my ongoing development. I found this difficult because it did not fit comfortably into the themes of service I was considering. It fits here though, so I anticipate addressing this soon, and more.
